Wingardium What Now?
by WittyXtina
Summary: Hermione flings herself out of the closet with wild abandon and finds she has a secret admirer...or possibly a few! Who is the mysterious girl so taken with our heroine, and how successful can a prank on her faithful companions Harry and Ron turn out? Let's see shall we...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: In Which Hermione Hurls Herself Out of the Closet

The Gryffindor common room was a raucous mess. Candy wrappers littered the floor, music boomed from levitated speakers, and the sixth year class was sprawled over red leather armchairs and cushions, laughing and talking. It was the Friday before the mid-term break, and the excitement buzzed through the group gathered by the slowly crackling fire.

"Harry! Pass me another of those Muggle ring candies! I'm gonna see if Miss Granger will be *hic* my wiiiiiiife!" coughed Ron, around an already full mouth of sugary candy. Hermione snorted.

"Were you listening to me at all last week Ronald? I have no interest in your…" Hermione surveyed the boy, her eyes falling disdainfully first on his stained jumper, then on his holey socks. "Ahem. Glorious...manliness." Ron puffed, a piece of ring pop finding its way from his mouth to the rug.

"See? I'm irresistible!" Harry snorted, and chucked another candy at Ron. Hermione sighed. There were couples stealing moments in corners and corridors _right now,_ and here she was, wasting time with a bunch of silly boys. It had been a year of self-discovery for her, and she knew eventually she would have to tell her closest two friends, even though they were silly and immature. She had started noticing...girls. The way their hair bounced when they laughed, the funny way they gestured when they spoke, with their eyes and hands at the same time. The soft curves of...wait, what was Harry on about?

"...and then Cho wanted to snog more, but I was really thinking about the feast, is that bad? Don't laugh Ron, you know you get distracted sometimes!"

"Not when I'm snogging a cute girl! Even I don't get distracted by food then! I tell you Harry, I had the best dream the other night. Don't judge, but Madam Maxime was my height _and_ young _and_ she wanted to eat croissants! If you know what I…"

"Oh my gosh, will you grow up?" Hermione spat. "Nobody wants your croissant, Ronald Weasley! On that note, why is everything with you sexual these days? I mean, Merlin's saggy asscheeks Ron, you can't even be in the same room with a girl who is a little well-endowed in the chest without turning into a blubbering fool!" Harry rolled on the ground, in stitches. "And YOU!" Hermione turned on him. "Don't even get me started with you Harry Potter! You are like a walking hormone! Gawking every which way like a toddler in a toy store...I see you doing it!" The boys had stopped laughing and were sitting stunned with the rest of the common room, booming music seeming more and more out of place with the mood. Hermione stood abruptly, turned on her heel, and stormed towards the girl's staircase.

"Oi! What did I do?" shouted Harry, throwing a pillow square at Hermione's curls. "I can't help it Hermione, it's called puberty!" There were cheers from the Gryffindor boys, and laughter rang around the tower. Hermione's ears turned red.

"If I can control myself in the bathroom with a bunch of cute girls wandering about, doing their hair in little towels, I think you can control your wandering eyes, Harry!" The mirth turned to stunned silence, as Hermione realized what she had just blurted. Turning a deeper shade of red, she spun, a whirl of curls and fear, up the stairs to the dormitories.

Hermione crushed her face into her crimson pillow and willed herself to cry. She had just outed herself to all her friends, to _everyone_...she hadn't even told her parents yet. The only person she had told was Luna, who had spouted a very "Luna" response, something about same-sex pairings among Serbian Walumphs and giving her a tight squeeze. She just had to announce to all the boys in her year that she was a lesbian...and then run away! Oh no, what must be going on down there? A celebration of girl on girl action? Most likely, those pathetic horny...ugh. She really hated them right now. Stupid Harry with his stupid reassuring grin, and stupid Ron with his awkward hugs and dumb way of making her feel safe. She wanted her _friends_ back, not the hormonal, boisterous versions who just wanted to talk about snogging and Quidditch. Hermione sniffled, and heard a scuffling at the door. There was a sharp yelp, and she heard the soft thud of someone sliding down the stairs. Stupid, stupid boys! They can't...a slip of parchment poked its way under the door to her dormitory. Swallowing hard, dreading what it said, Hermione summoned it to her.

"A-accio," she whispered, and the parchment floated towards her. She cried even harder when she read the words, scrawled in nearly illegible Weasley script, "I LIKE BOOBS AND SO DO YOU LAST ONE WITH A DATE'S A BIG NUMBER TWO" Hermione snorted with tearful laughter as Harry's scrawl appeared beneath Ron's. "Come out of that dormitory Hermione. You're a professional at that now!" Tears of laughter banished tears of fear as she threw open the dormitory door and slid down the still flattened staircase to loud cheers.

"I'm serious," shouted Ron over the newly jovial din of the common room. "I'm going to help you find a date in this place!" Harry cackled.

"You can't even get your own date Ron! What are you going to do, summon an eligible bachelorette for me? Accio gal pal?" Hermione giggled, testing the waters.

"Aloho-more-than-just-friends-a?" Ron choked on his candy.

"Sapphify?" Harry managed, through an ear splitting grin. Ron managed to squeak a fake spell out through his mirth.

"Wait! What about this? Swish aaaaand flick, Wingardium Lesbiosa!" He gestured wildly with his wand, and there was a loud bang. Purple smoke emitted from the tip of his wand and covered the common room in a thick cloud. Sputtering in the center was the outline of someone who had just been climbing through the portrait hole.

"Ron, what the in the blazes are you doing casting spells at people? Do you look at all where you are going...oh. Hi Hermione, I love your hair this evening. Did you put something in it?" Ginny's eyes stood out like pinpricks of fire in the haze. Ron promptly fell on his backside.

"Hermione...don't...sister...spell...WHAT?!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: In Which Girl Squad Takes on a New Meaning

Word travels fast at Hogwarts, and by breakfast the next day, it seemed like the whole school knew Hermione's not-so-secret. No less than four owls had deposited notes from admirers around the school before Hermione had even poured her pumpkin juice.

"Thanks for being brave," one from a chummy Hufflepuff read, "Owl my older sister," read another from a fourth year Ravenclaw she had tutored, it also contained a chic London address and a charm that levitated heart shaped bubbles around the reader's head.

"Oh...get...OFF!" Hermione swatted at them with the growing pile of messages, popping them in a cloud of pink and sky blue. She sighed. How did people do this? Maybe the newness would wear off and she could get back to her life without the entirety of the school trying to set her up.

"This one looks rather good," floated over a familiar voice. Luna waved a black envelope. "Mind if I open some?" Hermione shook her head, the pile was slowly growing as more owls swooped around. "Though...why are there a pair of scissors drawn on this card...oh." Luna turned pink and handed the suggestive envelope off to Hermione. All it contained was a hand-drawn map to a room near the dungeons and a silver lipstick print.

"Subtle. If you go meet this girl, you should probably have some backup. I'm sensing a Slytherin prank," giggled a voice from behind her. Hermione jumped, and locked eyes with Ginny. How long had she been there? Remembering the "spell" that Ron had cast the previous evening, Hermione cast her eyes back to the letter.

"Hi Gin, I didn't see you there, when did you come in?" Hermione muttered into the parchment. Ginny shrugged, seemingly unperturbed and hiked her red and gold Quidditch robes up off the ground and perched next to Hermione on the bench.

"You were distracted with fan mail, I've been here since the pink heart bubbles. Why don't you chuck all this, people send the oddest stuff. I would hate for you to get bubotuber pus again…" She trailed off with a shudder and began collecting the opened envelopes and scrolls.

"She makes an excellent point," Luna peered over a long scroll that had been neatly tied with a red ribbon. "This young lady seems to be rather perturbed by your coming out to everyone. Apparently, you were supposed to tell her first, as she's thought you were brilliant from day one. Well written, nice handwriting, I feel an air of energy about this one." Ginny snorted and grabbed the scroll.

"Dear Hermione, how dare you. How dare you tell everyone before me, you nearsighted ninny you! I have thought you were a catch since day one, and have you noticed me? Apparently not, or maybe you would have made a move. Perhaps you think I wouldn't want you, how little you know, despite knowing so very much about everything, it's maddening! I can't take it anymore, and now that you're out, you had better believe I am going to be your girl. See you at the match today, I'll be winning the game for you. Come by the victory party, I'll leave you a surprise. Frustrated hugs and (hopefully) kisses, Your Secret Admirer."

Hermione blinked, taken aback. Secret Admirer? Her stomach swooped, and her mouth dried, an odd sensation. It had to be a prank, did people not have enough homework assigned that they had all this spare time to annoy her? She made a mental note to mention it at the end of McGonagall's lesson later that day.

"What a bit of silliness. I've never had a secret admirer." Hermione busied herself with a small gold envelope, the last one in the pile. "I am so...tired...of being the butt of everyone's jokes!" She ripped the paper, and a small parchment tumbled out. In loopy handwriting it read, "Your presence is requested in the Headmaster's office following breakfast. The password is Merengue. Signed, APWBD"

"Dumbledore's office? Must be serious. Probably something to do with the new infestation of Worb Beetles…" Luna trailed off. "Oh! I have to go, I'll be late for Potions. Meet you and Parvati at the match later, okay Hermione?" She waved and ebbed into the crowd of students toward the doors of the Great Hall.

"She seems to be taking all of…" Ginny gestured to the pile of parchment, " _this_ in stride." Hermione wriggled in her seat.

"Well...she kind of...well...she already knew!" Ginny frowned.

"You told Luna but not me? You know...if I had known earlier, I could have proposed this earlier…" she scooted closer to Hermione and leaned in. Hermione's heart started pounding in her chest, smacking a tattoo against her ribs. Ginny's lips were smooth and a bit full on the bottom, one lone freckle spotted the left curve of her smile, winding up to her nose... _Stop thinking about her lips, stop it now, she's Ron's sister!_

"Er, Gin...you're a bit close…" Hermione backed up a bit. Ginny laughed, it echoed like bells. "That spell last night...it was fake, you know that right? There's no possible way it would make you feel...and I wouldn't resort to...I mean...uh…" she managed to sputter out.

"Don't be silly, 'Mione! I know that...I know you would never use magic to get a date...but you know who doesn't _and_ spent the night in the library?" Ginny laughed again, tossing her veritable mane of ginger hair over her shoulder. Hermione shook her head at her friend.

"You're going to have to enlighten me, I think I'm the only one that ever does that…"

"RON AND HARRY!" Ginny squealed, kicking her legs girlishly. "They have it in their heads that I'm _positively smitten_ and it's making their heads explode. I think they've endured enough pain, I was planning on telling them it had no effect when they get their sleepy bums to breakfast…" She surveyed the room as a wicked thought came into Hermione's head. It was definitely wrong. Most assuredly. No question. She cleared her throat.

"You know, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to…"

"Let them keep thinking it worked?" Ginny spit out, before Hermione could say it herself. Ginny's face suddenly matched her Quidditch robes. She continued innocently, "Think about it...we could kill two birds with one stone, the boys would be absolutely mad...and your secret admirer wouldn't be able to stand it, she would have to come out of the woodwork! Ron will be so distracted with _us_ , he won't have time to get a date, and you'll win the bet!" Hermione laughed nervously as Ginny grinned widely at her.

"I guess...I would like to know who sent this scroll, but I would hate for you to feel used…" Hermione was interrupted by two loud flops next to her. Harry and Ron had deposited themselves at the table, bleary eyed, and Ron had imprints of ink on his cheek. He had clearly fallen asleep on a book for the first time in his life. The girls dissolved into laughter as the boys sleepily busied themselves with porridge.

"No funny business now, sis." choked out Ron thickly, his voice still deep from recent sleep. Ginny winked cheekily at Hermione, planted a swift peck on her cheek and swept away, a tornado of ruby and gilt. A groan rose from both Harry and Ron. Hermione smiled to herself, a blush rising in her cheeks. This was definitely going to be fun.


End file.
